Pretty Boy Syndrome
by novusluna
Summary: In which Kise is, simply put, very pretty, and obliviously so. Kaijo High Basketball Club is infatuated and Kasamatsu is mostly immune. Emphasis on mostly. Kise/Everyone, but Gen
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Kuroko no Basuke i.e. The Basketball Which Kuroko Plays is produced by Production I.G. and based on the manga of the same name written and illustrated by Tadatoshi Fujimaki.**

**Disclaimer #2: It was only after I wrote this fic that I discovered that someone had already coined the phrase 'Pretty Boy Syndrome' and it has a completely different definition than what I had in mind. They seem to be talking about good looking fuckboys (And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the sound of the rating of this fic going up~) and to help clear things up, I started off with a definition of my version of the Pretty Boy Syndrome.**

**A/N: Isn't Kise awfully submissive to his senpais at Kaijo? He doesn't protest Kasamatsu's tough love either. What a pretty uke~**

**As always, Enjoy~!**

* * *

_Pretty Boy Syndrome: A condition that has a severe pheromonal effect similar to that of an aphrodisiac on bystanders close to the sufferer. The sufferer himself is often ignorant of his condition and can't imagine why hordes of strangers and close friends alike keep throwing themselves at him._

* * *

Kise Ryouta was an idiot. But that wasn't the problem. It would've been a hell of a lot easier if that _had_ been the problem. Kasamatsu knew how to deal with idiots. Take a look around, he had a whole damn gym filled with them.

But, no, all the idiocy did was camouflage the actual problem for a little while, at least for Kasamatsu.

At first, the captain in him was too pissed off at the Miracle, their lucky lottery draw to the Inter-High, too frustrated at his blatant superiority, arrogance and his complete obliviousness to his own disrespect, and Kasamatsu himself was too high strung about the captaincy he'd claimed by the worst mistake in his own basketball career.

So while he ran drills, formed strategies and captained the Kaijou basketball club, said club was busy ogling their lucky break with less than honorable intentions that were in no way related to basketball.

_"Kise-kun, can you help me stretch?" _Whether it was wide-eyed first years.

_"No, Kise, come warm up with us_" Or drooling upperclassmen.

_"Kyaa~! Ryouta-sama!" "He just looked at me!" "No he was looking at ME!"_ Or the managers, that now consisted of practically the entire female population of Kaijo High.

And there Kasamatsu stood in the sidelines, jaw agape in bewilderment at the scene unfolding in front of him and thought to himself, 'the fall of the basketball club is nigh''. If he was smarter man he'd have realized the fall of his sanity was equally as nigh'.

He didn't know then, that this problem was contagious and spreading throughout _all_ the basketball clubs and quite possibly the universe at an alarming rate. The bystander effects of Kise's Pretty Boy Syndrome.

Luckily, he was immune, or so he thought.

* * *

"Here you go, senpai!" Kise handing him his water bottle after practice had become all but a ritual by now. Kasamatsu smiled his thanks and spared a corner of his eye to observe his basketball protégé underclassman discreetly, and was almost blinded by the apparent solar flare that was Kise Ryouta.

It's just that Kise was…_sparkly. _There was no better word to put it. Kasamatsu wonders what the official diagnosis was for hallucinating sparkles around specific underclassmen.

Singularly specific underclassman.

How the hell could he not have noticed this before?

True, he was a bit late to the 'get into Kise Ryouta's pants' game or whatever it is his team was playing at, so he must be at least a little immune to whatever pheromones Kise was emitting. He'll hold on to that and what little rationality he had surrounding him to keep this team together for at least one more year.

"Senpai, what's wrong, aren't you thirsty?" Kise stares into his eyes like it held all the answers.

"You're too close, idiot!" Kasamatsu kicks out on reflex.

Dammit, it was just proving harder said than done.

* * *

_"I like girls"_

Kasamatsu groaned. It was Moriyama's weekly ritual of reaffirming his non-existent heterosexuality to Kasamatsu. He tried not to remind his friend that feeling the need to inform the world at large that he was in fact, 'straight', was not very straight at all.

"Can't you talk to Kobori about your midlife crisis?" What good's a vice captain, after all, if Kasamatsu can't drop the more useless of his chores on him? "You've not even reached midlife yet, for crying out loud!"

Moriyama proceeded to wail dramatically.

"He's absolutely no help at all, in fact, I think he's making it worse! His advice for me was to…" Moriyama shivered "…_tell_ Kise my feelings towards him"

Kasamatsu winced. That was a bad idea in so many different levels.

"How about you go home and count your idol merch?" He suggested "That'll take your mind off things"

To Kasamatsu's horror, Moriyama decided to slump over his shoulder and continue with his wailing.

"They do nothing for me anymore! _Nothing!_ Not a thing!"

"…There, there" Kasamatsu patted his teammate's shoulder, sending furious telepathic signals to his ever-so-reliable vice-captain to rescue him.

"It gets even worse!" Oh, Kasamatsu had no doubt that it did.

"I went out and bought a Teen Idol magazine with Kise's face on it… And then… and then…_I ended up making a monthly subscription!_"

Kasamatsu was silent for a long while.

"Well, if you ever need it off your hands…" He muttered while Moriyama gives him the most betrayed look he could muster in midst his misery. Oh right, he had the role of the only sane man in this drama on channel insanity.

"I mean, surely having all that around would be bad for your…er" He waves his hands in Moriyama's general direction. "condition?"

Moriyama sniffs in pure desolation.

"Alright then" He agrees. Kasamatsu wonders why he feels oddly guilty.

* * *

New information came to Kasamatsu as it always did. Very belated and via 'accidental' overhearing. It was tragic really, that the captain of the Kaijo basketball club had to stoop to spying, bordering on stalking his teammates to get news on anything that's happening.

Apparently, Kise's Pretty Boy Syndrome had its roots all the way back to Teiko, so it was not just limited to Kaijo. Kasamatsu didn't know whether to be disappointed or relieved. But what he did know is that there were at least five people who had spent 2 years and counting with their resident pretty boy and still survived to tell the tale. This was his chance, to get his teammates heads out of Kise's ass (and wherever else they may have wandered off to) and back to basketball.

* * *

"How do you do it?" Kasamatsu demands of Kuroko one practice match later, where members of both sides are equally blinded by Kise's sparkles. Kasamatsu wonders if sunglasses and visors can be added to the official Kaijo high basketball uniform.

Kuroko is silent for a while-a long, long, _long_ while- before he deigns to reply.

"It gets easier…once you realize he's an idiot"

Kasamatsu doesn't bother to point out that his team, no scratch that, the entire student body of Kaijo High, was way, _way_ past that tiny roadblock, and just hangs his head and sighs.

"How do you not…_jump_ him, is what I mean" He gritted out, trying to stump out the ridiculousness and absurdity of having to ask love advice (or lust advice-which, come to think of, is probably worse) from a member of a rival team. Well, it was for the sake of his team, so he'd have to bear it.

Kuroko is silent again. Kasamatsu is more than slightly unnerved by this development, but tries not to show it in his 'captain' face.

"It'll be reassuring to know then that Akashi-kun will personally make sure you won't make it to first base…" He pauses "….alive"

_..._

Well, Kasamatsu supposes he could at least appreciate Kuroko's sense of humor to lighten the mood in situations like this. Ha. Hahaha.

Kuroko wasn't smiling. But then again, Kuroko showing any facial expression whatsoever was an event worthy of a history book mention, so Kasamatsu wasn't all too worried about that.

What did worry him was what came after.

"Kasamatsu-san…did you know? People never notice me coming from behind..."

And he smiles.

Kasamatsu gulps. Maybe he turned to the wrong Miracle.

_~TBC_

* * *

**A/N: So~ hope you liked! I know this chapter is a bit shorter than my other KnB fics, but I promise it'll catch up in no time!**

**More to come since I'm going to pretend I can actually write multichapter fics and not really long drabble like one-shots that I chop up into reasonable chunks of chapter wherever :P**

**And I AM planning on including all the Miracles, and a few extra characters here and there... so stay tuned? :DDD Oh, and as always any comments, critique or irrelevant thoughts you might have, feel free to say whatever down in that big lonely white box down there~**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: It took me longer than I planned to update because Kasamatsu was a bit less immune in the fic than the summary suggests so I made it less so for at least the first few chapters so it's more like a slow descent into insanity...i mean, love.**

**Speaking of love, feel free to leave me some in the comment box :DDD**

* * *

Kasamatsu would rather not ask Midorima how he does it, (_it_ being not falling under whatever love spell Kise seemed to be unconsciously casting) since he could very much guess what his answer would be, from the life size magical girl body pillow he was lugging all around the hot springs.

He did not ask. He did not want to know.

Especially since his last question of 'how the hell did both their teams end up in the same resident hot springs?' was answered with 'Oha Asa works in mysterious ways' and 'Cancers and Leos are eternally destined to clash at the ends of the same paths'.

He left before the ace shooter decided to go through the entire zodiac.

"It could've been worse senpai" Kise waved off Kasamatsu's scowl with a laugh, in proper hot spring attire, which was hardly proper at all! "I heard from Kurokocchi that Seirin met up with Touou on their hot springs trip"

Even with the mist of steam, Kasamatsu could see Kise's expression cloud over slightly, Kaijo's loss still fresh on his mind.

If these had been normal circumstances, as normal as he could hope for, Kasamatsu would've grunted a reply, something stern and motivating, maybe if it was just him and Kise, something a bit more friendly. But right now, he was more concerned with keeping the blood inside his nose, thank you very much.

"Senpai? Is everything alright?" Shit, the idiot was too close, with his pale, heat flushed skin. Skin. So much skin.

"I think Moriyama-no, Kobori needs help washing his back. Desperately. " Moriyama's impulse control was too unreliable in serious situations like this. "Go on then! Help your senpai!"

Kise mock saluted, and skipped his way into the water.

"At least he's wearing a towel" Someone commented around a strangled gasp. Kasamatsu couldn't say if it was from his own perverts-he means people, or Shuutoku's, but decided it didn't really matter anymore. The whole world, and probably a few aliens too, were in love with his ace, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Well, on the bright side, at least this will make them forget about trying to peek into the girls' side. It was amazing how many things he, as captain, had to be responsible for, had absolutely nothing to do with basketball at all.

Once the blood went back into his brain (it's unsurprisingly easy when he's pretty much surrounded by almost naked guys who aren't Kise), he picked a spot in the far end of the springs, far away from his nosebleed inducer and lowered himself into the lava.

"Mmhmm…" This was just what his aching muscles needed-no demanded. Basketball was not kind on the average athlete's body. Kasamatsu groaned and stretched his arms to either side. That's when his hand bumps on something soft and wet.

To his credit, he didn't scream until after he turned to find himself face to face with a magical girl smiling, no, sparkling at him, in its own unique inanimate way. Were sparkles really that necessary in his life?

Owner of the inanimate, now wet, body pillow, frowned like Kasamatsu had corrupted it out of its luck.

"Kise, he's.." Is what Kasamatsu ended up saying, because surprise, surprise, they didn't have that much in common. In fact, it was hard to believe Midorima had much in common with anyone. He all but a step away from becoming one of those street preachers who informs random passersby that they're going to hell.

Not that Kasamatsu needed the warning.

"Kise's up at the front" He told Midorima, trying not to let the sparkling body pillow in his peripheral vision affect him. "So if you wanted to...I don't know, go to him, maybe? I know it's been awhile since you last got a chance to talk face to face"

Midorima inched the corner of his lips oh so slightly upward, and it was gone in a flash, leaving Kasamatsu to wonder if he imagined it.

"Tell me, Kasamatsu-san, why would I do that…" He held his silence and stared steadily at his body pillow's wide eyes instead of Kasamatsu's, his poor eyesight thus ruining his moment of suspensory drama "…when he will undoubtedly come to me"

Kasamatsu opened his mouth to say something along the lines of 'That idiot can't find his way to the damn locker-rooms, let alone Midorima's admittedly well-muscled arms', but his voice, along with the rest of him, was drowned out by a splash.

"Miiidoriimacchiiii~ Come and play with me!"

Midorima stared triumphantly some more at the body pillow, that Kasamatsu couldn't for the life of him see the resemblance to him, before turning to Kise.

"In your dreams" He rebuffed Kise coldly "And my nightmares"

Kise didn't take well to the rejection, by which Kasamatsu means he sidled up to Midorima in a way that should be illegal in Japan, his hands tugging and pulling, and were it be Kasamatsu in that position, he'd long be on an ambulance due to excessive nose bleeding.

"So cold, Midorimacchiiii! Aren't we friends?"

"Stop clinging to me, you overgrown monkey!" Which of course made Kise cling to his old teammate even harder.

"I'm not a monkey, you're the monkey!" What, were they 5!? Kise, he could imagine, but Midorima stooping down, quite far down to Kise's level, his soaking body pillow all forgotten in its drowning glory.

Kasamatsu turned to the magical girl embodiment of a body pillow, feeling they share the same feelings of abandonment.

"I think he got his share of luck today, so you can cut back on the way home, make him self-righteously fall into a ditch or something" He muttered belligerently and suddenly, a bit too late, realized there were suspiciously familiar snickers coming from his right.

"You know Kasamatsu-san, they say talking to oneself is the first sign of insanity" Takao pointed out, Shuutoku point guard and apparently the Kuroko to Midorima's Kagami with the way he was shadowing the shooter around.

"I wasn't talking to myself, I was…" Just talking to this painted anime character in a piece of fabric. She's great company! ; his mind supplied weakly for him. Kasamatsu didn't know how high 'talking to yourself' was on the crazy scale, but 'talking to inanimate objects' was definitely a few ladders ahead.

"Your teammate's ambushing mine" He couldn't help the delightful shiver that ran up his spine at the word mine. God, he was so pathetic!

Takao raised a slanted eyebrow.

"Really? It looks kind of like the opposite to me"

Kasamatsu followed his fellow point guard's gaze, and immediately wished he hadn't. Kise was blatantly hugging Midorima, not even bothering to keep any distance between their towel-clad lower bodies from what Kasamatsu could see. Midorima was struggling half-heartedly, his flushed face easily ascribed to the sweltering spring water and Kise himself playfully saying things like 'You can't escape me now, Midorimacchi~!'

That level of total control was beyond Kasamatsu's fast waning immunity. The reluctant voyeur knew then, that Midorima was way ahead in his game than he could ever hope to be.

That doesn't mean he won't try though.

* * *

He successfully imitates Midorima for 3.5 days. Minus the glasses, ever present lucky item and the impossible shooting. In fact, minus everything except for his apparent Kise seduction skills. Which was basically to pull further and further back, until Kise pushes so hard, he crashes headfirst into Kasamatsu. No, he was not in any way thinking about Kise's lips in the process of the headfirst crashing, why do you ask? He _was_ immune after all.

His plan backfires spectacularly, because Kasamatsu's life was an unfunny joke people smiled strained and politely at. With all the ignoring, insulting and all around Midorima-esque behavior, Kise had come to the conclusion that Kasamatsu truly hated him and was begging his teammates for help. His teammates who drew lots and took turns to be the ones to be the shoulder Kise cries on.

On day 3.5, he walks in on Kise on some kind of toweled throne, wailing and weeping about being 'hated by Kasamatsu-senpai' while the entire basketball club, and a few members from the baseball and volleyball clubs too (and was that the head of the literature club?), comfortingly patted his head, or any other body part within reach.

"There, there" They consoled, like they were not having the time of their life. Those traitorous bastards! They didn't even notice their captain creeping up on them.

"Having fun?" He released his control over his ever present demonic aura, and the Kaijo basketball club (and the other various club members) jumped back from Kise as one.

Kise, on the other hand, falls onto his knees with an impressive thud, and bangs his head against the gym floor in a violent version of dogeza, and wailed.

_"I'M SO SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!"_

"Sorry for what?" Could it be that Kise had discovered all the trouble his pretty boy pheromones were causing Kasamatsu and the team?

"For whatever I did to make you hate me!"

"You didn't-I, I was just" Kasamatsu looked away in helplessness. There was no way he could tell Kise he was trying to strengthen his resistance against Kise's charms by imitating Midorima.

"Midorima does this all the time, and you're never in tears about it!" He finally decides was safe to say, combined with a punch to Kise's arm just because he was starting to doubt his status in the Japanese school hierarchy.

"But Midorimacchi's not serious when he says that" Kise whined, rubbing his arm.

"Neither was I!" Kasamatsu grumbled, feeling oddly ashamed of himself.

"Senpai should leave the copying to the experts. I was so scared that you hated me and I asked every one for help and they" Kise prattles on, linking their arms, and it should be romantic in every sense of the word, but Kasamatsu couldn't help but feel like he was back in elementary school field trip, and the sensei tells everyone to hold on to their buddy so they won't get lost.

Unknown to him, mascara glares burned into his back and lip-glossed lips cursed his name, all from a distance not too far away.

_~TBC_

* * *

**A/N: With Midorima being the star of this chapter, let me tell/remind you about MidoKise week that's an actual thing that's actually going to happen! The dates and themes are out so check it out at midokiseweek on tumblr ^_^**

**Also leave me a word or two (or preferably more!) of anything you'd like to say down below? :DDD**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: New week, new chapter! (I say like I update every week haha what a joke) Anyways, please enjoy~**

* * *

Kasamatsu never had a good enough reason to ban the female species from visiting the practice (Claiming he had a medical condition in the form of aversion to girls didn't work with Coach.) Luckily, many girls weren't all that into competitive sports, and those that were had their own clubs, and the rare remainder, the ones who weren't inadvertently chased away by Moriyama's terrible pickup lines that was, were not much of a problem.

Then, like to most previously sane parts of Kasamatsu's life, Kise Ryouta happened.

Suddenly the influx of girls was raised to an alarmingly high rate. Girls started appearing on the viewing balcony, on the sidelines, in front of the club door (even before the regulars arrived for morning practice). Soon, there was not a patch of gym Kasamatsu could look at without being exposed to girls which, needless to say, was not good for his girl allergy. It was only time before they made their way into the locker rooms. Moriyama would've been beside himself with joy if that wasn't around the time he started questioning his own sexuality.

It was the final straw for both Kasamatsu and Coach when a giggling gaggle appeared in the middle of the court wearing sharpied _'Ryouta-sama~ 3'_ shirts and waving pom poms. And thus, the rule to ban girls from the boy's gym started effective immediate.

Kasamatsu had never been so relieved in his life, Kobori was indifferent, Kise was sympathetic, Moriyama and Hayakawa wailed their regret.

It was that moment, the rest of the male population of Kaijo High collectively thought; _'Lucky!'_

* * *

"I'm in love, or more accurately, certain parts of me are in love. Well, one part in particular" How Takao manages to say that with a straight face is beyond Kasamatsu. He adds in a wink for effect, and Kasamatsu doesn't think by 'part' he means anything as innocent as 'heart'.

"What are you going to do about it?" Kasamatsu mutters, with a face that could no way be considered straight. Given his lack of straightness in other areas, it's almost funny.

Takao chews on the cap of his soda can, and shrugs.

"Maybe I'd say something if I thought I had a chance"_ Or that your life wouldn't be in mortal jeopardy_, Kasamatsu silently speaks for himself, remembering Kuroko's foreboding words "But Shin-chan, _oh_, he's got it bad"

"So does the rest of the world" Kasamatsu was not in the mood to be sympathetic after his hot-springs experience.

"No, no, really, hear me out!" He slings an overly friendly arm around Kasamatsu "He makes me pull the cart by the magazine stands, just so he can catch a glimpse of Kise's face on the covers"

"That's a bit much, I suppose" Kasamatsu mumbled, flashbacking to all the magazine covers with a certain blonde in ridiculous poses hidden, that is to say, _placed_ in a perfect, neat stack under his own bed.

"Of course, he'll never admit it" Takao continued, swiping through his music shuffle. "He's too much of a _tsundere_. How cute!"

"Are you sure you're not in love with Midorima instead?" Kasamatsu just had to ask.

Takao was silent for too long a while for it to mean anything good.

"Do you think Shin-chan will be up for a threesome?" Takao winked salaciously (how does his eyelids not get tired?) "And when I say _up_, I mean-"

"Oh for the love-"

_"Of Kise!"_

Kasamatsu finally understood what it felt like to be in Midorima's position now, and sympathized thoroughly.

* * *

"It's all because of his bodily proportions, of course" Touou's _sakura_ pink-haired manager informed him, while Kasamatsu stuttered and stammered and made a fool of himself in all the usual ways around the female species. "32, 34, 39; chest, waist, hips"

"Huhmmmm?" It was a coincidental meeting at a coffee shop, but instead of their mutual interest in contemporary coffee, they were discussing their mutual interest in Kise. Go figure.

"I only have concrete physical data from middle school, the current proportions are my speculations-brilliantly accurate speculations, of course" Momoi leaned forward surreptitiously, and Kasamatsu tried not to pass out. "So allow me be the first to propose a mutually beneficial deal"

"Ghhh..ah..ahem" Kasamatsu cleared his throat, but to no avail, words had simply abandoned him. Much like god.

"I'll supply you with middle school photos-and trust me, we went to clothing optional saunas a lot, and in return, Kasamatsu-san _you_ will supply me high school photos." She smiled sweetly, her words anything but. "Clothing optional, if you please"

Kasamatsu decided to give up on talking altogether, and instead focus on his coffee. Black, one sugar.

"Oh, of course, my one and only love, future husband, and the father of my non-existent babies is Tetsu-kun~" She trilled on, and Kasamatsu could've sworn he was hallucinating sparkles around her too. Great, just _great_, Kasamatsu's state of mind really was deteriorating. It must be the pre-Winter Cup pressure. "But the over-analytical mind needs what the over-analytical mind needs, don't you agree?"

_Mmm… bitter. He should've asked for more sugar._

"By the way, his _upper_ upper thighs are 24 inches"

Kasamatsu promptly choked on his coffee.

* * *

"It's the damn sparkles" was all Aomine Daiki, self-proclaimed unbeatable ace of Touou said, and Kasamatsu agreed wholeheartedly. _Finally_, someone other than mental asylum patients could understand his pain_. Not that_, Kasamatsu took a wary sidelong glance at Aomine, _this monster was exactly a level up from that._

Said monster took a swig of his soda can like it was beer instead; Kasamatsu had to glance at the label just to check. Nope, it was just soda.

"I threw a basketball at his head" Aomine confided wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his shirt. "To get his attention"

"I kicked him in that pretty face of his on his first day" Kasamatsu reminisced fondly. "Because he wasn't showing any respect"

Aomine chortled, and they clinked their cans together in mutual comradeship.

* * *

"Ehhh…Kise-chin? I wanna eat him"

This was by far the most disturbing thing Kasamatsu's heard leave a Miracle's mouth. Then again, until today, Kasamatsu hadn't met 20(or so)% of the Generation, so maybe they just become more and more disturbing the further you go up the line.

Before Kasamatsu could decide whether to inquire further about the apparently cannibalistic impulses towards their ace or start running in the opposite direction, the meal itself walks by.

_"Murasakicchi~ It's been sooooo long!" _Kasamatsu winced, along with everyone else within hearing distance at the volume and pitch alike.

Murasakibara took one look at the waving hand in front of his face and closed his mouth around a finger.

Kasamatsu honestly dares anyone, _anyone_, to witness a giant purple titan who, a mere 5 seconds ago, expressed his intentions of 'eating' their ace, chomp down on said ace's finger, and not have a mild panic attack.

While Kasamatsu silently freaked out, the victim outright giggled, yes, _giggled_.

"Stop it!" Kise said. And Kasamatsu expected that to be followed with _'No let me go, senpai save me, call the police!' _(though not in that particular order). But what did follow was; "Murasakicchi, that tickles!"

"Kise-chin tastes like chocolate" Murasakibara managed to slobber out despite his complete and thorough mauling of Kise's finger.

"I would've saved some if I knew you were coming" Kise frowned with as much dignity as he could muster with his finger in someone else's mouth "So unreasonable" He sighed. "Now I have to go beg my fans for more chocolate. How embarrassing!"

Kasamatsu wanted to inform Kise that this was the least of his worries, that fingers were important to basketball and missing one would be bad, very bad indeed, but was too busy openly seething with jealousy.

Murasakibara pulled back from his tasty treat for a second to wonder out loud rather than ask.

"Kise-chin, who is that voyeur-chin again?"

_~TBC_

* * *

**A/N: Reviews are like warm hugs to the writer's soul~ :DD And I like hugs so don't be shy!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I've not been updating as regularly as I was hoping to (oops, sorry?) , and this is the shortest chapter so far. The thing is, I wrote far too much for one chapter and had to break it into two so regular updates would be am actual thing that actually happens.**

**Also, also, also, a SHOUTOUT to my lovely anonymous reviewers who I appreciate so very, very much. I try to get back to every non-anonymous reviewer but if I happened to miss someone, please consider this a SHOUTOUT for you too!**

**Enjoy~**

* * *

Kasamatsu spent his entire middle school fearing the worst of the worst; getting a letter in his locker from a girl. Luckily the trauma of having to go through an actual confession process has yet to occur, but there's plenty of letters piling up in his locker, around his locker, a couple even snagged in his gym shoes.

Composed mostly death threats. For Kasamatsu, this is not exactly the end of the world. He tells Moriyama this when his friend, the very definition of 'hopeless romantic', cries on behalf of him, but Moriyama cries harder and insists that Kasamatsu's highschool life is wasted.

He never understood the concept of love letters. Not that there was any hint of anything resembling love, or like, or even bare tolerance, in the letters he receive daily.

The ones that didn't forecast his imminent death insinuate that death is too good for scum like him, and how dare he touch their _'precious Ryouta-sama 3 3 3'_ (the hearts were decidedly not directed at him).

Kasamatsu's not worried. Nope, not at all. Their perfumed claims of knowing where he lives and their cursive and descriptive knowledge on how to skin meaty basketball players slightly concerned him, is all. It's not as if he could bow down to their demands of him and his teammates maintaining a 5 meter bubble between him and their idol at all costs.

"They do know we play basketball, right" Kasamatsu sighs to himself one day, and Kise just happened to walk by. What was he even doing anywhere near the third year's floor?

"What do you mean senpai, _everyone_ knows you play basketball!"

Kise was, as always, blindly oblivious to the chaos he was unknowingly creating with his mere existence.

"Huh, fanmail? When did senpai become this famous?" Unfortunately, he wasn't literally blind, like say _Midorima_, so there was no way he could miss all the piles of paper stashed in his locker in all its pink, perfumed glory. "Is all this per day?"

"Unfortunately" Kasamatsu grumbles, straining to shut his locker but every time he pushes in a handful, another avalanche falls out.

"Senpai" Kise sounds oddly serious, and Kasamatsu could count with one hand with fingers to spare how many serious moments they've had together so he turns to meet his _kouhai_'s eyes.

Said eyes filled to the very brim with tears, like molten gold. If Kasamatsu was waxing poetic, or Moriyama-like, he'd say they were like warm golden honey amber-

"Senpai, I…" Kise takes a deep breath, and Kasamatsu gulps, all his instincts telling him to either jump off the 3rd floor or push Kise off or together in some kind of twisted Romeo and Juliet move-_what is he even thinking, he's spent too much time with Moriyama, that's what's happened!_

"You're getting a lot of attention from girls, and I know it's hypocritical of _me_ of all people to complain, but…"

"Whatever you want to say, just spit it out clearly" Kasamatsu barks, like he's not writing sonatas of Shakespeare's tragic love on the inside.

"I'm sorry senpai, but the truth is.." Kise sniffs. "We'll be forced to be _rivals _in the school's next popularity contest! …senpai, hey senpai, what's wrong?"

The bell chimes for the first period, and that's all that saves Kise from getting kicked down the stairs. That and the subpoena he'll undoubtedly be served with for inflicting damage on public goods.

* * *

No one is the basketball world outside the Generation of Miracles knew this, but one-on-one actually mean 'hot basketball monkey sex', according to Takao at least. The two of them had become fast friends, despite being rivals in more ways than one. And Takao took that as express permission to fill Kasamatsu's head with all kinds of weird garbage.

So the 'hot basketball monkey sex' idea stuck in his head floating around until he heard Kagami demand a one on one from Kise.

"Denied!" Kasamatsu barked out, before Kise could even turn his pretty blonde head. The gym paused in its usual hustle and bustle to stare at Kasamatsu. Kagami stared too, and ever so slightly, blushed.

"Y-You!" Kasamatsu all but physically pounced on him "You've been talking to Takao, haven't you?"

Kagami spluttered, blushing for all his worth now, his bright red hair not helping any.

"Aww…Kagamicchi's so cute!" Was Kise's reaction to all this. "I've been getting a lot of one on one requests recently-" _And just why is it that Kasamatsu's heard nothing of this?_ He glares at his team who in turn finds the gym floor a tad too interesting.

Needless to say, Kise was not at all aware of all the 'hot basketball monkey sex' he was supposedly having. Damn that Takao.

"Don't be shy, Kagamicchi!" Kise smiles brightly, obviously ecstatic about his sudden fame "You can come to me for one on ones anytime you want"

Kagami promptly passes out.

"Please excuse him, he got a little over excited" Kuroko explains while stuffing what looked suspiciously like a syringe into his gym bag. He looks up and caught Kasamatsu's frozen, wide-eyed stare.

"No one sees me coming from behind" And he smiles. _Again._

Kasamatsu shivers, and bans all forms of one on ones with his ace with anyone for the foreseeable future.

_~TBC_

* * *

**Leave a word or two (preferably more! :P ) telling me what you think, it would really make my day :DDD**

**ps- Midorima's lucky pencils for all you guys who have had, are having, are going to have exams these months~ Best of luck to you-nanodayo!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I rambled a lot in the post-chap A/N, so I'll keep it short up here.  
**

**It's the Emperor's turn… Enjoy~**

* * *

Like the last boss of an RPG game, Akashi Seijuurou, former captain of the Generation of Kise's personal harem and current captain of another team that in all statistical probability wants to jump Kise's bones as well, appeared on his Kasamatsu's doorstep.

"Greetings" He greeted like the alien he was. But his bow was perfect, and was enough to impress his manner conscious mother, so he was invited in before Kasamatsu could plan his escape from the country.

"I've heard much about you, Kasamatsu-san" Akashi paused in midst his regal dining experience with his mother's omelet rice. "From Ryouta"

The way Akashi dragged out Kise's first name made Kasamatsu's skin break out in goosebumps.

"All good things I hope" he mumbles, edging closer to the window, in case of emergency evacuation.

Akashi smiles in a way that was creepily reminiscent of Kuroko's. Before he could debate the likelihood of the two of them being related, Akashi was already helping himself to more of his mother's omelet rice with a knife and fork like he was having a casual brunch with the prime-minister.

His mother skips happily going on and on about how nice it was for Kasamatsu to have friends over and so early in the morning too! My, she would have made something a bit fancier if she'd known!

"Ma! I think someone's at the door" Kasamatsu lied, because he was a good son, who didn't want his mother to watch him die by her own cutlery.

Akashi waited politely till they were alone in the kitchen with the breakfast that Kasamatsu usually gulped down in one go. He turned his heterochromatic eyes at the third year captain who was feeling a lot less like one with each passing second, with his hand gripping the window ledge with a death grip.

"Of course, as his former captain, I have mixed feelings regarding the matter" Kasamatsu could sense there was nothing mixed about his feelings at all, if the sliced and chopped omelet rice said nothing at all about his guest's blood lust and tendency to stab people with the nearest sharp object.

"On one hand, I wish for nothing but Ryouta's happiness. He's like a little brother to me" Akashi calmly lifted the glass of water like he was presiding over a Japanese tea ceremony, and sipped. "And of course Ryouta is in a constant state of a child discovering new toys with the attention span of a squirrel and the heart of a golden retriever"

He stood suddenly and approached Kasamatsu's strategic window sitting position, knife still twirling round and round and very much round in his fingers.

"But I admit, I do get rather…overprotective, shall we say?" Akashi smiled, and Kasamatsu feared for his life. "He is, after all, like a brother to me"

"…Right" Kasamatsu says somewhat uselessly, eyes following the twirling knife, and wondered if Akashi was aware of the implications of incest he was making.

Because no matter how much Takao insisted that Midorima insisted how Akashi's sexual preference was limited to shogi pieces, Kasamatsu couldn't help feelings the latter's were the actions of a jealous (and possibly psychotic) ex-boyfriend.

* * *

Akashi Seijuurou eventually leaves. Or rather he steps into a grand limousine, glossy door held opened by a bowing chauffer and is whisked away, much to Kasamatsu's mother's disappointment.

All Kasamatsu's disappointment was about missing morning practice.

"What kind of person is your old captain?" He asked in lieu of 'how serious is he usually about his threats of bodily harm?'.

Kise frowned, and Kasamatsu's heart skipped a few beats, and he was certain that it cut down a few years of his already short lifespan.

"Akashicchi? He's very…kind, a mild-mannered and… hmmm, sensitive type of person, I'd say"

Kasamatsu could say very many things about Kise's ex-captain, none of them complimentary, except perhaps the basketball part-in fact, this is probably where Kasamatsu's feelings lay on all the Miracles. But no matter how you look at it that was by far the most deceivingly ill-conceived description of Akashi Seijuurou.

"Senpai's usually not curious about my old team at all" Kise mused. "Could it be you met Akashicchi?"

Kasamatsu's wide eyed, deer in the headlights looks was apparently enough of an answer, so Kise ploughed on.

"Oh, I completely understand! I keep running into Akashicchi all the time, like in cafés and boutiques, public restrooms and my wardrobe. It's such a happy coincidence! He's always so nice to me and…"

Sometimes, Kasamatsu truly, truly worried about Kise's safety with the entire world, and quite possibly a few aliens after his heart and pants (though not necessarily in that order).

"Senpai? Are you listening to me?" Kise pouted, and Kasamatsu forced his runaway thoughts back to reality. "I asked you what you thought of Akashicchi!"

Fundamentally terrifying, was not an answer the captain of the Kaijo basketball team was prepared to give.

"He's…alright, I guess" He tries to go for nonchalant, but it came out choked like the demon captain had his talons around Kasamatsu's windpipe.

Kise brightened up immensely. Which is an amazing feat, considering how bubbly and sparkly he already was. Damn those sparkles.

"If senpai wanted to talk to Akashicchi, you could've come to me first, right? I'll arrange a meeting! You're both point guards so you must have a lot in common to talk about! I actually feel a bit left out but…"

Kasamatsu spent the rest of the day and a good part of his night trying to convince Kise what a monumentally bad idea that was, but Kise smiles down at him with his unfair height advantage and trills; _"There's no need to be shy senpai~ Any friend of mine is a friend of yours!"_

Kasamatsu snorts, it would be more accurate to say that any friend of Kise's wants to swim in a basketball court filled with all 5 liters of his total blood volume.

At this rate, his chances of surviving before graduating weren't looking all that promising. But if he dies, that idiot would definitely cry, being the crybaby he was, and since he looks even prettier than normal when he's a whimpering mess of tears, it'll cause a whole lot more grief for _his_ basketball club.

So really, Kasamatsu has no choice but to do his best to survive.

_~TBC_

* * *

**A/N: The next chapter will unfortunately (or fortunately?) be the last and it's an epilogue of sorts from Kise's POV that I'm incredibly nervous about pulling off, since I've never actually written something from Kise's shoes, but I'm excited about it as well.**

**There's so, so much trauma I wanted to write for Kasamatsu but MidoKise Week's coming up next month and I want to contribute as much as possible because rare pairings are rare. If anyone's a fan of those two, go ahead and check out ****midokiseweek tumblr com /****tagged/about**

**Thank you for reading, all you lovely readers~ :)))))**


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